I was always curious about my sexual status, should I call myself a monogamous or a polygamous? While I firmly believe in keeping sexual with a single partner, I do develop attractions with other men, outside my relationship. For instance, just a month back I spoke to a man non-stop for 5 hours each, for three days between 12 am to 5 am. I did not go sexual with that man but had an enlivening, passionate conversation with him on diverse subjects such as spirituality, Osho, past life regression, gender, Tarot, and sexuality. I’m not convinced if this and couple other flirtatious attractions can make me polygamous. After all, I’m not going sexual with these men.
It is in the course of my sexuality education study, I stumbled on a novel word ‘Monogamish’, a new sexual status that not only solves dilemma of people like me but can also cure the modern millennial crisis called ‘Sexless Marriage’.
To start with, ‘monogamous marriage’ is a failure in human design. We humans have a fundamental need for security which propels us toward committed relationships but at the same time we also have an equally strong need for novelty, adventure and excitement. Monogamous marriage in its demands of ‘absolute monogamy’ is restrictive and repressive to personal freedom.
Result? Satisfaction rates in marriage plummet after the honeymoon phase never to recover again. If you consider, the infidelity rates, legal divorces, separations, spouse poaching, the odds of failure of a monogamous marriage are pretty high. Scary! Isn’t it? So what do we do about it?
Some couples decide to be in open relationships which works for both of them but not everyone is comfortable sharing his, her partner. But the same couples are not happy being monogamous either. The percentage of such people, who fall in between are pretty high with the other two relationship kinds (happily monogamous and happily polygamous) falling at the either end of a spectrum.
It is here ‘monogamish’ can become the new lifeline to save these couples from failing monogamous marriage. Monogamish couples look to extramarital sources for sexual stimulation but only in thought, not in action. So I might like a man, and think about him, flirt with him or talk to him but not go sexual with him. The thinking, talking, flirting, dining, long drive, movie watching, smoking, drinking, a random holding of hands or a hug acted as a Big! sexual stimulant, esteem booster, and invigorated my personal life. Notice that I’ve not yet had a kiss or a sex with the man.
Earlier, I would keep these episodes to myself and could never gather the courage to share this thought about the ‘other man’ with my partner. It was forbidden! in our relationship. And this ‘forbidden’ led me to think about that man more and more, eventually threatening my equation with my partner.
It was then, one day that I decided to end it all and share it with my partner that I’m attracted to another man, only in thought, not in action. There was a heated argument, tears, and sweat drops but it smoothened at the end and helped me get over that attraction on the man. My partner now knows that I flirt around, have fleeting attractions and I can confide this to him.
I cannot tell since then, how much my relationship has changed for the better. As Sexologist, author, and Playboy TV host, Jessica O’Reilly puts it, it happened because of two reasons.
- Admitting to this thought served to stabilize the relationship, because when we put this forbidden thought out in the open, it reduces their power and the likelihood that we actually act upon them.
- We humans are programmed to seek change, to seek novelty. We’ve a hunger for it and when our partners feed this hunger, we’re more happy with them and more attracted to them.
Remember: Monogamish is No Touch, Only Talk or you could create slightly different flavors of monogamish with a consensual agreement with your partner, like a random holding of hands, a hug, a brushing off hair, what works for both of you best. And if you think you cannot dive into the monogamish, start taking baby steps like admitting to your favorite celebrities that you find attractive. The idea is to open your mind to infinite possibilities of thoughts, fantasies, desires that up the sexual quotient in your life. Remember that mind is the biggest sexual organ in your body.