I have reached a state in my relationship, where we have become caring partners but are no more sexual animals. I see a conspicuous change in my sexual lust for him over the years we have been together. I still remember the time when we first met, there was this potent alchemy of attraction. We sat under the foliage of an autumn tree. The withered leafs and yellow dainty flowers fell from its branches on my hair. He lovingly picked them from my hair as he spoke to me. The warmth of his fingers seeped through my chest. It was such a big turn-on. I waited for a flower to drop so that he touches my hair.
Cut to present
He and I moved in, ate together, slept together, sat together. I can see almost all verbs fitting in this construct of ‘togetherness’. I could also see this togetherness becoming an erotic block. The constant presence! In our quest to become closer, we had actually fused. We had become one and it is that ‘oneness’ that was weakening my erotic desire. I failed to see that fusion is not connect. Because there is no bridge to walk on, no other internal world to explore. In other words, there was no separate person left for me to desire. I was just not ok with this ‘workable love’.
In the words of Proust, “The real voyage of discovery lies not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes’. And I unexpectedly did that when I saw my partner with new eyes. It so happened that my partner who is an artist was performing on stage and I was watching him among the audience. And I looked at him and thought “Oh! he’s so attractive”. It was almost weird like an out-of-body experience.
And you know what was so attractive? For a moment there, I forgot that he’s my partner, the mundane, the constant, the bickering. I saw him out of the context of our partnership, switching from a zoom lens to a wide-angle in which he was his own person. I did not see him as a partner but as a person complete in himself. He looked no longer familiar. And unfamiliar is what begets desire.
I lusted for him again