I’m a romantic. The romantics refuse a life without passion; they swear that they’ll never give up on true love. They are the perennial seekers, looking for the person for whom desire never fizzle. If passion is on decline, love must be on deathbed. They mourn the loss of excitement & fear settling down. The other kind of people are realist. They know that diminishing desire is inescapable & they make peace with it. Realist thrive on companionship, but they feel disappointment over fading desire.

I did not know a word for what I felt when partner discussed our marriage plan and settling down in same location. At present, we reside in different cities & live together on and off. While I’m keen on marriage for the commitment, safety, security, certainty, & stability it offers. I also know that there’s something inherent in commitment that deadens desire.

Erotic desire needs separateness.

I know of so many marriages where desire has crumbled. There’s no excitement, no mystery, no longing, no erotica left in the relationship. Sex has taken a backseat or is either done to keep the marriage alive, as one friend said ‘sex becomes a necessary evil in marriage’. As human beings we need both risk, uncertainty, adventure and safety, security, reliability, continuity. We need excitement as well as permanence. But these two sets are warring forces. Unfortunately in most of the cases we sacrifice passion for stability.

So What is it I want?

I’ll never do that. Aware of this reality, I told the partner. ‘Even if we get married to each other, we’ll stay in different cities or different houses. I do not want a day, where I don’t feel like having sex with you or where I feel too tired or stressed out to have sex with you’. Sex for me is a means to alleviate stress and not the other way round.

But there is a hope and this is what I’m striving for. In my quest of knowledge, I seek to decode how to sustain desire and passion in a long-term relationship. How to maintain security without succumbing to monotony. And I’ll have answers very soon.