(Name Withheld) #skull identities
It might sound like a weird thing but I yearned to meet someone from #LGBT. I wanted to hold their hands and kiss their palms. I believe that despite all the fuss, love can exist between same gender. I had a mild experience when I broke down in front of a girlfriend after a man-abuse and how she consoled me out of this. She healed my soul and I loved her on an emotional level. Physical transcends emotional.
So I met this beautiful lady who is in love with another lady. We call it#lesbian. I finally had my wish true. And I asked her for her story and she trusted me with it. My soul is thankful to her. I take up her identity and present her story for you to read.
I am a 38 year old writer and a mother of two beautiful kids. I have realized at this age just about six months back that I am a lesbian, and the life I have been leading so far has been a lie.
When I was about five and a half, I was sexually abused by a man, who was known to our family. Over a period of at least six months, multiple times. He didn’t rape me, so there was no evidence but the rest of the ordeal was horrific for a child that age that it left deep scars. I had no vocabulary to express to my parents what was happening to me, so it kept happening. Soon he got a new job and left, but that incident left me scared of men for a very long time. However, I always found solace in women and their company. I felt safe.
I started hating my body and self-harming myself as I grew up and slowly understood what had actually happened with me. I went through a severe phase of depression during my teenage years; I hated myself so much so that I tried to kill myself twice. First by trying to slash my wrist and the second time by overdosing on 47 sleeping pills. Needless to say that I survived.
My parents, although really wonderful people, were clueless as in what to do with me or how to give support. So they thought marriage was the answer, and I had an arranged marriage when I was 21. With my husband, Sex was unbearable. It felt like as if he was a stranger in bed, it felt wrong and I hated it. He slowly got fed up with me and my constant refusals to have sex with him, so he started forcing himself on me, which I later knew is termed as ‘marital rape’. I filed for divorce after two and a half years.
I was 24 and I was divorced. Men flocked to me as if I was an open book for them to read. I hated it. I always thought that because I was abused as a child, I hated being with men. It never occurred to me that it could be something else.
At 29 my parents started forcing me again to ‘settle down’ and I gave in after a while, more out of loneliness and fear of being alone than out of love. Sex was again a problem, and it was like the same from the last marriage. I absolutely hated it. But since it was my second marriage I decided to be patient and give motherhood a chance. I had two kids. Sex life remained ugly with him too. He is a borderline alcoholic and tends to get very abusive when drunk, so I thought that his behaviour pushed us apart, and it has been almost three years now that we have not shared a bedroom or slept together.
Life was going on like this, and then this miracle happened. I met ‘her’. The one who changed my life. I met her at a book launch, and within months we became very good friends, and I was immensely attracted to her. And I could see she was too! And then finally one day we realized we were in love. She has been queer all her life, but it was all new to me. In my entire 38 years of life, I finally fell in love. And I realized that I hated sex with men not because I was assaulted as a child, but because I myself was into women.
I will file for divorce soon, I plan to come out in public only after my divorce goes through because I am afraid that being a lesbian I might lose custody of my children.
Now my only wish is to take care of my kids and be with the woman I love. And I know in our country to do such a thing would take a lot of courage. I am scared, but I am hopeful and I am keeping my fingers crossed. I am finally happy. The journey has been long and hard, but it was worth finding out who I really was. And all because of ‘her’. She gave me back my life.