Four years have passed, staying under one roof on one bed but I and husband have not had sex. Though I was indoctrinated that my desires are immaterial, I also learnt the mute way to protest when the same were not met.

Like I started keeping my kid in between us in the night. In the beginning it was a need as the son was an infant and there was a chance of him slipping off the bed. I had a caesarian & the doctor told no sex for first three months. It relieved me. The medical ground became an excuse to feign off the legitimate claims of sex by a husband who never loved me. I still remember the time when I went to the clinic to get my stitches removed. My gynecologist asked me to come a week after for getting the copper T installed. I wondered, is it that sex cannot wait that languished mothers have to get it done within a week of getting operated?

I knew at that moment that I’m not coming back to get the copper T done. I also knew that it has something to do with my desire rather than my physical condition. But it was too slim a thought to believe the collapse of my marriage. So I had my escapade from sex with the legitimate approval of doctor. I remember husband becoming eager on some nights as the three months got over. I was able to walk and bath. It appeared to him that I’m now fit to have sex.

That night I slept facing the wall and the son slept in between. The husband moved the son a bit and placed pillows on the bed side to avoid him falling. He then came to my side and started kissing my neck. I was numb and pretended to sleep but this time he was in no mood to give in. He continued.

To reciprocate him was unbearable, the best I could do was let him do what he wants to. He continued as I counted seconds. I became a live corpse for him to devour. The foreplay lasted less than a minute and he now wanted to come in. I cannot take it anymore but I cannot reject him. He was my husband. The 5 months sexless arrangement worked because of his tacit approval which is not there this time. In that moment, I built up another excuse to protect me from a forced consensual sex.

‘’My abdomen has still not recovered completely from the stitches. If you come on top, the tender skin can break.’’ 

I think he got this but I did not anticipate what he next thought. He decided to have an anal sex from the side. So he let me remain in that position facing wall and held me in a spoon. He then brought out his penis and lowered my pajama. A thin stream of fire trickled from my head to toe which was not of desire but of a mute rage. In that time I became a stone just like in the operation theater when I was given anesthesia so that pain cannot be felt. I lay there in an anesthetic condition trying not to think what was happening.

Thankfully the rape did not happen as the anus could not be opened in the position I was. He tried but then had to be content with rubbing his private part inside my buttocks. He then left and slept.