Just 3 days back I was all alone in the evening, free from all bondage of love, devotion, and duties. The shrieking old mother, the mischievous son, and the attention demanding partner, all were away to their own sojourns. Sojourns which don’t involve me. Thankfully! The house was filled with a complete silence, even the curtains did not move. Once in a day, I get blessed with such a solitude.
My mind has become a pressure cooker of insecurities. Insecurities of single motherhood, unemployment, and dwindling finances. I think more than needed. My partner says this. He says ‘Be thankful to god that you are healthy.’. I don’t know. I’m tired of hearing and following all such sermons. I have unlearned all philosophies of this culture I live in. I have become a rebel in mind and heart.
I follow my own philosophy.
If my philosophy tells me to be frightened. I will. If my philosophy tells me to scold my mother. I will. No matter how much backlash I invite if someone gets to know that I badmouth my mother. I don’t care. Parents are no gods. They are as human as we are. In fact I believe that most ‘fertilized’ acts of lovemaking were done without significant forethought. This includes me too.
1. What would it take to raise our child in this evil world?
2. What emotional and financial comforts can we provide to our child in his life.
Our parents are as incapacitated as us. If anything they deserve our regret than respect. If my philosophy tells me to take my partner to task for small hurts he causes to me. I will. I’m my own school. Having laid to rest all education that I have received till date in the tomb of past.
But that evening my faith crumbled and I felt like a child lost in the woods. I hollered and screamed sitting alone on that bed. As if I want to vomit my pain out. I sobbed and wailed with full strength. The door was open and only the iron grill was locked. Neighbors might surveil my cries. Let them do!
After I stopped sobbing, I went for a warm bath. Changed my clothes, combed my hair, and applied cold cream and kajal. I then left home to meet my partner. I do not know if following my faith has done me more good than bad but I feel content. I feel my own. I do not belong to others. I belong to me.