Sex makes babies. So it is ironic that the child, the embodiment of the couple’s love, so often threatens the very romance that brought the child into being. Sex which sets the entire enterprise in motion, is often abandoned when children come into the picture – Esther Perel

Let me admit it. I became a mother thinking I will get a mushy teddy bear to cuddle. The child will help me solve the personal problems at home. I will get someone to call my own, someone who is my blood and flesh. Someone who will bring back the lost sanity of my life.

Let me tell you. I was in for a bad shock. #parenthood is a tainted secret we all hide in our closets. If someone is counting on children to bring them peace of mind, self-confidence and a regular dose of happiness, they are in for a bad shock. As it has happened with me. What children do is complicate, implicate, bring unknown fear, redo our present while casting shadows into the future.There is no boredom with children in the home. The risks are high.

Parenthood brought a massive change in my life. Psychological, financial, and sexual. I think no other change had such a profound impact on me as motherhood did. It changed my body. It changed my sense of self. I started keeping a tab on my life insurance policies. In fact I bought some more policies. I no longer can make decisions in the ‘spur of the moment’. No more can I take risks. ‘I’m not allowed to die in bungee jumping or paragliding anymore.’

For me, my son holds me hostage to constant anxiety. Is he ok? Has he eaten well?He seems to having cough? He likes pasta for dinner? His homework is left?There is a parent teacher meeting in the school? He has to be picked from daycare. There is his summer project for which we have to buy stuff. He fell and badly hurt his toe. Is the injury ok? The lace of his school shoe is missing. He needs to be put to sleep by 10:30 PM. Lights need to be shut at 10:30 PM sharp. I can go on and on.

Becoming a parent compels us to protect the child by creating structure in our lives. We start saving money, we create a routine; rules, division the labor; and redesign our priorities. We organize, prioritize, and become more serious. In the process we leave aside what was once frivolous, immature, irresponsible, and unproductive. And this forced change casts a devastating impact on our sex life.

How?

In all prioritization of roles and responsibilities, sex takes a backseat. Sex is thought of as a burden that should be done last in the gamut of things. Even washing dishes, doing the laundry, paying bills on time become more important than sexual intercourse between a couple. Tell me! We do these mundane tasks on time but a moment of passion that is fun, that makes us feel loved is permanently relegated to the bottom most position? Why?

Is it our willingness to forgo sex or perhaps there is more to the erotic mutings of moms and dads? Family life flourishes in an atmosphere of comfort, control,and regularity. But sex or eroticism resides in an atmosphere of unpredictability, uncertainty, and risk. This is why one night stands, casual affairs rank so high in passion because they are low on commitment. Sex is a force that flourishes in loss of control. Which is why when it settles into repetition, habit, and rules, it touches death. What eroticism thrives on, family life defends against.