The equation between a man and a woman is the most intricate and fragile of sorts. Like a beaten egg of a relationship, the yolk tries to unsuccessfully mingle with egg white but does not loses its identity altogether. Instead what results is a crude, emulsified, thick mixture that imperviously sticks to your fingers. Our natures of men and women are like that.
Indoctrinated in different school of thoughts, the intellectual capacity of a man stands opposed to woman instead of being on her side. The woman on the other hand tries to create a uniform, singular view for the couple, which is her view of looking at the world, decisions, behaviors and actions. In doing so, she seeks to impose her thinking on man. And if the man resists or does not abide, her timidity, her modesty pushes her to take revenge in a non-violent form against her man by denying sexual favors to him.
That’s my story and I suspect, stories of millions other women. My upbringing has not bestowed upon me the skill of spoken debate and war of words. I’ve learnt and am inclined to keep quiet and emotional most of the times. And at other times in one go, I drop a bombshell, I burn all bridges, when the pain and disappointment accumulates and becomes unbearable.
The partner is occupied in his directorial debut in a series of documentaries and has been coming home only past midnight only to leave in the next day in early morning. There is a large crew he has to direct and add to it other hassles of bureaucratic permissions,mob threats at shooting location, camera, light equipment etc. Shooting a film is no mean task. But I’m not supposed to understand that or do I?
As a companion, I should support him in his professional conquests that also includes indefinite periods of waiting for him to come home. But there’s a deep void in me that makes me cling to him for his all-encompassing presence in my life. In not loving myself, I seek to love him more. I want to confine him in my surroundings, around me, like a wind chime I always want to see in front of my eyes. And because he is away from me most of the time, it repulses me.
When he comes home late night, I talk less with him, immersing myself in books and studies.For him, he wants a large dose of affection from me which I don’t have it in me to give him to. I keep away from his gaze, looking at some other direction. I do not offer him dinner and instead ask him to go to the kitchen and take it on his own. This constant fixation with his presence is letting me ignore all logic that justify his absence in my life. Like a stubborn child, I insist on him to be with me all the time. I tell him grudgingly:
‘It was you who said we should be always together. Now how can you expect me to deal with your absence,for all the right reasons though, and not make a fracas about it?’
So I inflict revenge on him (my partner) at a sexual level. My wounded heart reminds me: He dominated me in the day, it’s my turn at night. I will seize his right to make love to me. And so I become dominant on bed. I lean towards my child, alienating myself to one corner of the bed away from him. The clueless he, touches me gently, strokes my buttocks, fondles my breasts, but I react with frigidity,with muscular stiffness. It’s a willful frigidity, a trick created to assuage my hunger for him. I seek to replenish my hunger by making him hungry. I hear his moaning as he masturbates to deal with sexual deprivation but I pretend to ignore it.
But in the morning, when I wake up, I’m filled with remorse. And I’m moved to tell him the truth. And then impulsively, ravenously I shower his face with wet kisses and squeeze his body in my tight hugs.
For you my reader, I will leave you with these thoughts. Often our sexual interests decline at the cost of doing other mundane chores, but there is more to do with this aversion then what it seems. Sexuality is a force through which we express our desires and emotions, our need to connect with the other; similarly withholding it is a way through which we express our pains and disappointments, our motives to disconnect with the other.