How does it feel to roam naked in one’s house?

Oh It feels awesome. And by house, I mean the whole house and not just a closed room in the house. To tell you how did I felt then? Let me close my eyes and go back 8 hours (1 PM) in past to the time when I was naked.

I felt independent. I felt this whole house belonged to me and I can be in whatever form I like in whatever room. I hopped on my toes zealously on the cold granite floor.  I felt joyous. I felt like a naked little girl, who’s genitals are still undeveloped and hence her unclothed abode does not attract glares of men and women alike. And yet, I was in complete awareness of my sexuality. Down there! Because I was part naked due to this frigid cold.

How it happened?

There’s always our past behind us, guiding, instructing, letting, and forcing us. In my case, the last time I went naked alone in the whole house was 16 years back. When I was a 19 year old student on a study break. Back then it was summertime. The temperature was soaring at 42 degree Celsius and I did not even had a cooler. My maxi soaked with sweat and I patted talcum powder all inside my chest and back for some temporary relief. But the powder worsened it. It got mixed up with my dripping brown sweat and stuck to my skin and I was left more restless and exhausted.

It was a warm, late afternoon and I heard my landlord heavily snore from the corridor. I scurried bare foot to her room which was at the other corner of the floor I inhabited and gingerly lifted the curtain of her window. She was in a deep slumber. That day, my other roommates were out to watch a mid-noon movie and so I was all alone in the hostel. I decided to have a bath to assuage the heat and thus pulled my bucket and Margo soap from underneath my bed and went to the bathroom. An hour long bath did turn heat away and I felt better. But in 10 minutes it was again the same story.

Unable to bear the polyester salwar kameez and rising humidity, I removed my dupatta and flung it on bed. I felt slightly better. I sat on that bed for a while thinking what to do. And then reflexively I untied the drawstring of my salwar. I lowered my salwar and it lied there, curled in a circle around my feet. My hands were jammed at that time. Can I go any further? No one is going to knock at my room for a while so I can feel at ease. But the scare of being naked was so huge that even in that closed room, I was uncomfortable at the idea of disrobing myself. In cultures across, bathroom and nuptial beds are the only two places where girls can undress and this bed was neither.

In that limbo, and uncertain, the crucible room made me feel like a fried egg and forced me to get naked. I stripped the kameez and unfastened the hooks of my bra in two quick moves. I tossed the clothes in a corner and lied on the bed. I closed my eyes initially because I could not bear the unrestrained and fluid nakedness of my body. It’s been long, I have been in touch with what my body felt. It’s been long that I have spent time with my body in my bedroom. My body felt like a river flowing from the foothills of Himalayas. Oh! Such a relief. I mulled, is it so difficult to accept your nakedness in your being? I closed my eyes and slept in that nakedness that afternoon.

Cut to today 01.01.2019

I’m more confident and already have a past precedent. 16 years have made no difference. Just that the opportunities never came. In Indian middle class families, how else could you get such solitude just to be yourself? So in the vanvaas (banishment) of civilization, I get such chance once every 14-15 years. Unlike before, I quickly lowered my joggers and went in the bathroom to scrub the floor clean and bath. What a joy! What an experience!

Clothes feel good but nakedness feels unparalleled. The layers are the complexities, clothes; civilization, and sanity are the baggage on the soul. Undo the layers, become a naked animal, and feel your vulnerable soul, feel your raw flesh.