In what way? Well to start with I have been getting offers from budding filmmakers, local media channels, feminist editors who want me to speak on their platform. Speak what? Speak about naked truth, speak about my failures, my mistakes, my sins. In short, they want to cover me stripping my reputation, my privacy in front of thousands of people. And you know what, it’s a win-win situation because we both want it. Them and me.
Let me explain you what being a vulnerable means by citing a recent experience of my life. I become vulnerable when I disclose that I fear. Not the topical fear from rapists, assaulters, and terrorists but the fear of spending a night alone in my own house. Yes, I cannot be alone in my house at night. I keep the lights switched on and I remain awake till 4 AM, vigilantly looking around with a gut wrenching fear as if some man will come to stab me. It’s a pure imaginative fear but it nails me. At 11 pm, I crouch inside all the beds in different rooms of my house to check if a stranger is hiding under and I peer behind the bathroom and toilet doors to check if a stranger is hiding behind the tattered panel. I’m that scared. And this is one of the reasons I look for companionship. Because I dread to live alone, and sometimes that becomes a bigger reason than love.
Brené Brown defines vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, and uncertainty. Vulnerability fuels our daily lives. And that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage — to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen, to be honest.
What special am I doing that gets me such elevated attention, hundreds of fan mails. I’m making myself vulnerable. I’m allowing everyone to deeply see me, to penetrate me, and to know the dark side of me. I have decided to walk on the marshland of shame and I have invited you all to this party : ) But is this ‘courage’ so difficult to find? Is it so difficult for us to be vulnerable and to be deeply seen?
I receive some fan mail each morning, of people sharing and revealing their deepest lies, their innate investment in falsehood. I tell them to let go of it, I tell them to release it, like a gush of semen. I tell them to get an emotional ejaculation so that they can get their karmic orgasm. But people disbelieve me, sometimes they get scared and never talk to me again. They think I’m one crazy woman who does not value her repute. They are indeed true. My reputation holds the least significance for me, what is important for me is the ‘connect’. And it is my vulnerability that builds a deep, profound connect with people who surround me. It is the vulnerability that will make this world more beautiful and less competitive. It is our sins and failures that unite us, and not the opposite.
And what happens when you decide not to become vulnerable? When you decide to hide your scars and smile on the face? When you keep that soiled bandage on your injuries when you know that tying it will not heal it, ripping that bandage is the only way to heal it.
Brené Brown tells that by suppressing vulnerability, we become numb. And the pitfall is that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can’t say, here’s the bad stuff. Here’s vulnerability, here’s grief, here’s shame, here’s fear, here’s disappointment. I don’t want to feel these. You can’t numb your vulnerability without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then, we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.
Believe me again, if you are fighting your demons inside and taking a call to hide it from the world, you are not protecting your worthiness. In fact you are the one questioning it. You are fearful if you will still deserve the same love and respect, if you decide to bare. This culture of ‘strength’ is making us lonelier. It’s high time that we accept with glory, that we’re imperfect, that we have the courage to be imperfect. Because it is natural and because we deserve love, respect, and belonging despite our imperfections, despite our fallings and failures. This is what I did and I never had to regret.