“A basic lesson to be learned is that we all must be responsible for our own pleasure and our own orgasms. We cannot expect our partner to do it all for us. To learn how to take responsibility of pleasure for ourselves can be learned. The secret is to pay attention to how we feel when we are touching our partner rather than thinking about whether we are doing it right. If we are touching in a way that pleases ourselves, most likely that will be pleasing to our partner.”

Reading this, my mind had its eureka moment. I was living in a denial all this time? I felt. Up till now, when I and partner made love, he had this strong desire to get me to kiss his whole body from face to toe. To confess, it looked like a menial work to me rather than spontaneous lovemaking. With gaining of a little weight around my abdomen, I have become clumsier when asked to bend. So to start from his face, kissing him, going downwards to his chest, followed by the abdomen and all the way to thighs, legs, and toes. Not to forget to take a halt at his groin and give him copious oral sex. I prefer making a power point presentation instead : )

Well, not anymore. As I read the above quote, I realized that lovemaking is not as much about focusing on partner’s pleasure, as it is about our pleasure. In that top to bottom kissing ritual, I never realized that I could also get pleasure from it. All I focused on was to give and never on receive. But now, the exploration of his body is as much about what I want to see and touch not just what I’m asked to touch. It’s my journey of exploration. Despite kissing and caressing him umpteen times before, do I know what I like most about his body? I’m not sure. All this while it seemed straight and quick. Like you board a flight. What about taking a long mental walk on his body? Pausing at junctions and relishing the beauty of rustling leaves of trees and chirping birds. I never focused on his breath and his beat. Let me be patient this time with my exploration!

Since he is not here, I’m already enthused with my plans of how I will do it, once we get again into the hilt of lovemaking. Well again, in roleplay, I will become a painter and his body is the naked canvas, I will paint with my fingertips.

An arched dash on his ears followed by a dot on his earlobes. I might want to press the dot to make it stark and leave an impression of the brush of my fingertips before I go further. The trail of the brush needs to be seen. On his neck, I desire to paint a beaded necklace with the arched sink of my nails. Beads that are tiny speckles of dots formed with some gentle pressure of my fingertips. And then like a young voyager I realized that I like the entire landscape of his neck and I’m urged to flat wash his entire neck by one quick sweep of my 4 forefingers and then continue the dash down on his torso. I see his naval and drop a glob of honey in the empty well. The well is deluged and I want to lick the honey back with the tip of my tongue. I’m thirsty and so is he by now.

He is aroused and makes a movement; I quiet him down. Be patient in love, my love! I hear your sighs!

Should I paint more or should I leave it unfinished like a tale of love? The memories are formed when they never reach their destination. I don’t know, I’m not sure. And in this limbo, in a state of frenzy, I start making jagged lines all over his torso with my nails and palms. Oh! It hurts him and it hurts me too, I cannot keep it any longer and I become an untamed animal. Smudging paint all over his thighs; his scrotum, penis, and anus with my palms.

The playfulness can lead to a summit of ecstasy. And I’m going to the market to buy my watercolors and paintbrush.