If you have read Rachel Reiland’s ‘Get me out of here: My recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder’ you will certainly remember this emotional moment from the book.
Rachel is narrating her struggle to Dr. Padgett, her therapist. At one point with overwhelming emotions she breaks down. Without knowing what to do, in that desperate moment, she hugs her doll. She finds solace in that hug, as if someone is really giving her a warm hug. As if someone is telling her ‘it’s okay darling, you will be fine. I am with you no matter what’.
I still remember, it had taken me more than a month to finish the book. There are enough pages to switch on your trigger circuit. Also I was startled by this specific incident which says a lot about touch in general. It was enlightening for me to discover what was missing in our lives; what many of us are longing in our joys and sorrows though we are tight-lipped about it.
It was not something we had planned. It was never a priority, for both of us, despite of our adoration for each other. We didn’t even call it a ‘relationship’ in worldly conventional way and sex was definitely not the only driving force in this.
She knew that I was totally into her. But it was equally true that I had no plans of making a foolish move to ruin that beautiful evening. Sex had never played the role of nucleus in my romantic interests. ‘That’s why I had to take initiative’, she admits today with a smile. It was just a kiss with loads of innocence, care and love. Though it was a moment of bliss, her misty eyes were conveying something else to me. Only thing which mattered to me at that moment was her comfort. I gave her a warm hug of assurance and we surrendered to silence within no time.
‘You held me like a baby; as if I was a delicate flower petal or a tiny bird. It was a non-suffocating, perfect touch with full of life in it. Something which comes with total ease, something in which you long to take shelter forever, something in which you feel so secure, something which is beyond words…’, she says. Her glowing eyes assure me every time that she means every word of it.
‘It’s not necessary that every touch has to be sexual…’
I have spent good amount of time trying to convince this point to many around me. I have seen that being unaware about the science behind touch, many of us get intimidated about it with a quick baseless assumption that it’s a sexual move. Many turn cold without knowing how to respond even to an affectionate touch.
‘Physical intimacy scares the shit out of me’, a friend of mine says. Being a divorcee and happily single, she has never got an opportunity in her life to enjoy the aesthetic part of physical intimacy. ‘It was too harsh, terrifying. Not less than any trauma’, she recalls. Though every 3 out of 5 males make an approach to her, sex remains the last thing in her mind. ‘I stay away from such men. I’m sure they won’t understand if I discuss about it’, she admits. The whole journey has made her hypersensitive about the touch of opposite sex.
Do you think I’m giving example of an extreme case? Not really! For one of my short stories, I had to interview many women to discuss about their active sex life in detail and the results I came across were no different. As far as awareness about ‘touch’ is concerned, the story goes same with sexual and asexual aspects.
Men, for instance. Whenever I talk about ‘pleasure’, it is extremely unfortunate to encounter (on almost daily basis) that most of the men are obsessed only about ‘their’ pleasure, as if they are having sex with themselves. Their concepts like foreplay, sensuality etc. have been borrowed blindly from pornography. For them, dates revolve around only one thing i.e. sex. Sex is an ultimate goal to be accomplished to call it a successful one. And sex has been reduced to quick discharge.
‘Sex is one of the boring things we do together just like any other household work’, a married woman shares her view about her sex life to me. Sounds boring, doesn’t it? Unfortunately most men have never tried to explore the world of sexuality due to which whenever we talk about sex what all they think of is ‘penetration’. Intimacy and sensuality sound theoretical for them. Ecstasy sounds out of the world concept. Emotional connection, what the woman craves for takes a back seat. Sex has become compulsive to such an extent that the whole act of making love has turned mechanical.
‘I simply don’t understand what’s the big fuss about foreplay and cuddling’, I have heard men muttering frustratingly. ‘Who does research before having sex? Just go and finish the deed’, is one of the other statements what men normally boast about. It is not entirely true that they are totally unaware about it. But accepting the same is difficult. They think that exploring the pleasure universe of opposite sex is utter waste of time. Mostly because it takes time and effort. They see no point in it when ejaculation is the ultimate result, no matter what, which lasts for only few seconds. Lack of communication also plays its own role. As long as it goes in their way, men seem to be fine with it.
This might be one of the reasons behind their astonishment when men come across women who are dominating them in bed. All of a sudden it becomes hard to digest the fact that she also has her own set of demands, her own preferences and her own taste. Just like the way it is hard for men to deal with women who are intellectually superior to them. If a man is genuinely interested to learn, she can certainly open new doors for him by introducing him to Pandora box of touch and eventually leading him to an orgasm what he has never experienced before.
It is a proven fact that touch can bring phenomenal changes in our life in terms of connecting with the people around. Personally I feel sad when touch is reduced just to a ‘move’ in seduction. Touch is certainly much more than that.
Dear fellas, do explore sexuality. It is much more than what you think. Be a learner. Don’t pretend that sexuality doesn’t exist. Don’t be shy about exploring your and your partner’s body. This is the only and most sophisticated vehicle what the Mother Nature has given us to ‘live’ life. Touch can be poetic, touch can be magical. Touch can heal, touch can make wonders. Touch every dimension of love and life.
‘Your touch itself says everything about you. I have never been touched like this before by anyone’, a partner had admitted once.
And I consider it as one of the best compliments I have ever received.