To be able to connect with the body of the ‘other’, you have to first learn to connect to your own body. But are we? It’s easy to say of course yes. You will say, how is it possible that we are not connected to our body? We inhabit our bodies; breath in them; eat food, look, work. Which means, our body is a mind tool for us. It does what the mind tells it to do. Sleep, eat, work etc.
But remember, the connection with the ‘other’ is not a mind pursuit, it begins from our heart, from our soul, from the sacred, élan life energy within us. To connect with the body of the other, we have to first connect with our sacredness, our sexual energy. And have we done that? Do we know that?
I remember going through the spurts of intercourse with different men at various points in time but it was quick and hushed up. My body was a mere receptacle for the man to come in and ejaculate. All I offered to him was a place to release his sexual urges and I rejoiced at the idea and thrill of intercourse. I did not know about the ecstatic depth of intercourse. With my self-exploration in sexuality, I have now come to know a little better than what I used to know. I have learned that to offer and receive divine sexual pleasure, you have to first root that sexual pleasure within yourself. The sexual energy runs in your body like a tree; our limbs are like branches running in different directions, our middle resembles the strong trunk, and the hidden roots are like genitals because they are always hidden.
When we water a plant, the nourishment first goes to the roots, and then to the trunk, shoots, leaves, and fruits. If our body is an expression of nature (it is formed of 5 elements), how do we nourish our roots, our genitals, that help us become connected in our body. That strengthens us from within, in our being. Through trial and error and experiential learning, I have the realization of how important it is to connect to our body, and that begins from connecting with our genitals, and it cannot be dependent on a man, it has to begin with you. It has to begin with a celebration of masturbation.
Clearly, masturbation is the key for sexual growth. It gave each woman a chance to focus totally on herself instead of being concerned about pleasing a partner. She could take as long as she wished, try all sorts of different things, and experiment with creating new fantasies. From self-love and sexual self-knowledge, I reasoned, healthier and happier relationships would naturally follow. – Betty Dodson
I now consciously indulge in masturbation because I have been able to overcome the genital shaming. I think my genitals, a woman’s genitals are beautiful. The exquisite, intricate and moistened folds of the inner lips of labia, the flat button-like clitoris at the tip, and the deep canal gurgling with white froth. I feel my fingers taking a holy dip in this soap cloud : )
There was a time when I hesitatingly (I confess, it took me 5 years to even ask for this pleasuring and another 5 years to explain how I want this pleasuring to be done) asked my partner to rub and mash me down in my vulva with his fingers and ouch! It hurt. His hand is quite coarse, a standard masculine hand and the inside of me is delicate like silk. At some point during kneading, his nail pinched in the skin and I was squealing out of pain petrified.
And it’s not his fault. The vulva is such that you need to be a skilled lover to do this. And one can only become a skilled lover through practice. But after that incident, I dread to ask him again. So what I have started following as a practice is, I now own my pleasure. I fiddle with my vulva while reading a book. I have become playful with my vulva, trying different touches, gentle strokes, and rubbing. Exploration is all about trying different techniques. I also tried a mini massager from IMBesharam that fits perfectly in my finger, like an engagement ring. Yes, I’m now engaged with my nuanced sexual pleasure : ). It does not hurt because my fingers know my body. The perfect balance between pleasure and protection.
Now having excelled the skill, reaching my little orgasms through 10 minutes of masturbation, creating my own orgasm; the next work is to demonstrate my partner on how he can pleasure me. It is incredibly tough, given it took me so long to reach here to even own my orgasms, to even decide to demonstrate my partner how I masturbate and how I precisely want him to do. I feel and I fantasize.
“I and him sitting in a room, with the tubelight on. I teach him about the light pressure and maneuvers with which he can pleasure me, by a live demonstration. And he holds a hand mirror, to be able to see in its reflection, the meticulous strokes.”
Hope a day like this comes soon…