I guess I was about ten when I first saw a proper naked woman. It was a magazine, I suppose, or just a photo with beautiful green creepers falling down while she stood with her hands placed gently on her breasts- a term I did know then- and thighs perfectly crossed. There was a knot in my stomach and I felt curious. It appealed me, attracted me, but also scared me because I have been taught that women must be “modest”, and modesty lies in her body. However, I had an inner voice constantly rebelling against such constructs and I would stealthily find such magazines in the store room of my father’s office.
I would love admiring women. Looking at their curves, the skin, the light in their eyes, their alluring smile, and not-so-apparent body. Coming back to today, I still open adult websites just to look at women. Once in high school, I wanted to see how I looked like naked but was always conscious and scared.
Few years ago, when I got a smart phone, I decided to click a photo of myself- naked. There was fear, there were expectations, and there were a lot of confusing thoughts. When I clicked the pictures, I wanted to look like the women from those magazines or those in videos online. It only made me more disappointed because I looked nowhere close. I had scars, fats, and not a perfect body. I did not have a thin body. I did not have those lusty eyes either. Nonetheless, I continued clicking myself nude.
I shared them to a few close friends who would tell me better angles or appreciate me for doing so. But, there were some women constantly putting me down because of this which I ignored. It was sometime around this that I started touching myself, which ended up making me feel terribly guilty. I kept trying, because the rebel self, you know? With time I understood my body better. There’s no better feeling than listening to your body so closely and clearly. What also happened during this time, is a realization. I am a bisexual. I never paid attention to the arousal I got while looking at women notoriously teasing. More than the physical attraction, it was the pure deep love I felt for the gender and its magnanimous personality.
Today, I click my pictures, I masturbate without feeling guilty, and pleasuring myself gives me satisfaction. A sense of power that isn’t present while I am with a man. I have started appreciating my scars, stretch marks, double chin, belly fat, and everything I once found wrong. My nudity makes me feel better about myself and my body. I no more crave a look like those of magazine girls, but I do admire them!
It is important to connect to your own body, your own senses before you connect with the body of your partner. Unfortunately, because of sexual shame and inhibition, we have never been able to tap the sensual pleasure of our bodies. Self-pleasuring and self-exploration should be a ritual and should be practiced often.
How to Self-Pleasure
“Begin with creating a clean space for self-pleasure. Then you can be ready to have the date with yourself. Make sure you really spend a lot of time activating your breasts and really exploring your breasts and touching your entire body, bringing that attitude of curiosity to each and every part of your body. How does that feel? How does it feel to touch my lips gently or maybe with bit more pressure. And just allow whatever is there in you to be revealed, to be expressed.”