I will begin by quoting recent research that I found on couple relationships and how it turned out to be true for my own relationship when I introspected.
Some couples fight often because of the lack of natural chemistry between them. Things are just ok or fine. But everybody wants CHEMISTRY!! because else it will lead to boredom. So in order to create that chemistry, couples fight. During the fight, our abandonment, shame, and contempt instincts get activated. We experience an INTENSE NEGATIVE CHEMISTRY. But as the fight progresses, we feel increasingly NOT OK due to our threats of abandonment, shaming one another, and contempt!
Toward the end of the fight we begin looking for ways to make up so we can “be OK” again as a couple – usually, this is just a ceasefire with nothing actually getting resolved. Having “made up” with each other we are “OK” again as a couple. At this point, we experience an internal sense of “being OK again” on the inside too, This is the positive chemistry that comes with comfort & relief.
However, this comfort & relief is only a temporary condition that soon fades away — leaving NO CHEMISTRY!
So, in order to have more chemistry in our toxic relationship, one of us must inflame another round of this cycle. It is not that we desire that negative side of the cycle, it is that we are conditioned to seek the positive chemistry of comfort & relief that comes with making up, so…We MUST go through the negative part of the cycle in order to set-up the positive part of the cycle.
I could see this pattern in my own relationship with him. Yes, we lack natural chemistry between us, our feeling of belongingness and care for one another is what makes us fond for each other. Can care be chemistry? It can be, it cannot. By that I mean you can care for one with whom you have chemistry but you might not have chemistry with someone who you care. But what exactly is chemistry?
“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” – Carl Jung
I experienced this chemistry once when I met someone for the first time and a few more times thereafter. Though I have been unfortunate in sustaining that chemistry over a period of time because the man was non-committal. We bonded on arts and reading. Talking to him about death and life; exploring the city in the midnight when its people slept; sharing the same cigarette; kissing him fiercely and desperately like I never did, and hitting the G-Spot in orgasm the only time in my life. What I found was I experienced my dark side with him, in him. He was the mirror in which I can be truthful about my insane desires because he too was insane.
But can two insane people live together forever? I’m not sure. I wish there were enough direction and research available on how two insane people can be together, with all their individual might and atrocious independence that makes them insane. Often, we surrender our power and free-will in the name of love. To become one, we leave the very identities that make us a unique person, and in return, we take up our roles that make our relationship work.
In my case, I have truncated my wildness to adjust with my non-wild partner. I see my sexual hormones raging in my mid-30s, something I have never experienced before due to lack of awareness. I’m open to experimentation with a like-minded man who values my being and not just take me as a sexual release outlet. But doing this is like walking barefoot on a bed of hot embers and coals. Can I do it? I’m not sure. I’m waiting for a time when my kid grows up and I’m relieved of my motherhood duties to experience the unleashed woman inside me. Right now, the woman inside me is asleep inside the casket of motherhood. I have given her the anesthetic pills of responsibilities and cultural backlash.
Talking about the urge to recreate that chemistry in the form of fights; my sub-conscious masterminded one such fight yesterday. My partner was talking to me about one of his married female friend who is dedicated to her husband. He heaped praises on the female whose husband cannot wait to embrace her, as soon as he enters the house. The couple never had any disputes and are parents to two loving children. Theirs is a happy family.
This irked me and I had multiple reasons. I can never be like that female, forgoing my career and aspiration for a family. My individuality is much more important and valuable to me than my lover and my child. Call me self-centered if that is the word. And my chemistry deprived and childhood wounded brain sensed that opportunity to invoke negative emotions of contempt towards my partner. I believe it was fine for me to react but I accelerated that reaction to asinine nonsense. I shouted at him, mocked him; cut off the phone; did not call him the next day; canceled his train ticket to Delhi and shed umpteen tears. He too did a tit for tat.
While this awareness of us becoming more prone to fights because of an inherent lack in chemistry cannot bring it back. It certainly helped me understand the reason behind the occurrence of frequent fights. At least I know what is missing in my life. I’m not numbed to my emptiness.