Yesterday I had sex with my partner after almost a month (he lives in a different city). As luck would have it, when he came to meet me, I was having my periods. That added up to another 5 days to the month-long wait for intercourse. On the 5th day, though I had meager blood flow, I was not in the right frame of mind. The partner checked with me daily for the last 2 days if I am period free. He is always forgetful about when my period starts and when it ends or may be this altering mathematics doesn’t interest him.
“Has it got over?’
I nodded. It has finished yesterday but I did not tell him. Ours is a stable, long-term companionship so hence there’s no hurry to have sex. If not today, then tomorrow. He is not running away anywhere right! This thought makes me lackluster towards my sexual appetite for him. Sometimes there are exceptions such as in outdoors when I get remarkably aroused as I see his chiseled physique at the gym or in a park. I think this arousal has more to do with restrictions imposed on me that I want to surpass. So may be, his beach body physique is something I can never attain or the vigor of his youth reminds me of my heydays. In outdoors I had to keep a distance from him because of public glare. Desire flourishes where restrictions exist; where there is a bridge you have to cross to meet the other.
But in the verisimilitude of comfortable sex that is not exciting, what can be done? Can I run away from the security cover and the emotional anchor that helps me keep afloat in this rugged world for a temporal spike in sexual fervor? I don’t think I’m courageous enough to do that right now. But I cannot still my sexual desires. Sometimes I sneak in a short term affair, straying outside the bounds of my relationship and sometimes I stray within the boundaries of my relationship, in my imaginative mind through fantasizing.
Just yesterday in our lovemaking I quietly dared to think about another man, while being in the throes of orgasm. I imagined his face in place of my partner’s face. The body was the same, the face was replaced. This man who I fantasized, I have never met but have only spoken once. He in his photograph looked endearing, holding a cuppa of mocha coffee in his hand, standing at a suburban tube in London. He is a Tantra teacher and has promised to teach me the spiritual practices to connect with my sexuality at a much deeper level. Our mind knows no barriers. At that moment, when he spoke and mentioned our energies (his and mine) to that of Shiva and Shakti, I felt desire for him. I carried that desire deep inside my heart for the rest of the day and evening, only to be unveiled subliminally in an intense nanosecond of lovemaking.
I still remember the precise moment when his face flashed in place of my partner. I was being thrusted by my partner. I was not getting orgasm and thus asked him to thrust hard and fast. Thrust more! I screamed. Though my hips were shaking and sliding on the bedsheet, I could not feel wild joy, being lifted from consciousness to the unconscious. I was still conscious! As someone, who has experienced the depths and ecstasies of unbridled sexual pleasure; it was a huge let-down for me to have a comfortable but boring sex. In that moment, I forced myself spontaneously to imagine another man, a new man, an untouched man in the bearings of my mind and it worked. In that dark emotional space, I felt that I’m having a first-time sexual experience and it kicked my hormones and I orgasm-ed.
Our erotic fantasies are a vibrant and uninhibited expression of our aliveness. It makes us reach the unreachable and lets us wander into the unexplored, dream-like erotic mindscape that we have cordoned a long time back owing to social obstacles. Fantasizing about another person also builds an emotional and physical separateness from your partner. This potential threat of “imagined separateness” spurs risk and makes you attracted towards your partner. Not many of us know that risk is essential to thrill and desire. Fantasies are a great way to bring that risk in your relationship without actually becoming an infidel.
Dr. Betty Dodson, American sex educator and erotic artist says:
It’s a common story that most couples go through. That business about “love everlasting” is a myth that ends after we get married. Very few couples can sustain monogamy within marriage and have orgasms. If fantasizing someone else helps, then go for it. Or actually, have an affair which will definitely change the dynamic instantly. Just know that you are not alone living in a marriage with little or no sexual pleasure. It’s a bad deal for everyone but society doesn’t seem capable of coming up with other life-styles that would support the regular experience of orgasm.