I believe that to understand a particular dark region in your heart and character, you need to have a stimulus. It is with a spark of an incident that a part of you unfolds, and you realize some hidden corner that dwells within. Jealousy wasn’t a known emotion, until one day, I came across a sudden strong stimulus that left me frothing and bitter.
I was in love with someone dreamy, and I didn’t know if he loved me back – and it wasn’t a teenager crush, it was serious and had a tone of sincerity. We had taken occasional vacations in different cities, and we were discovering ourselves better. It was a complex setting, he had his tight work schedule, and I was still stuck in the college curriculum. Amidst all of this, I never did ask him, if he loved me too. It was just a default setting I had agreed upon, and we were happy.
It was some random day when he mentioned that for business trips, he often shared a room with his secretary. That was the first day I felt my face go hot in rage. I couldn’t say a word; I just sat quiet, confined to the edge of the couch, counting the lines on the tiles.
Some other day he confided that they often have swims together – I was on the other side of the phone, texting him. I don’t think I spoke to him for a very long time after that, and I reflected and realized that it was jealousy.
Some weaknesses and holes in character are not necessarily our flaws but our unconscious reflex defense when we have a lack of trust either on others or on our own capabilities. I think it’s good to be in awareness and admission of our not-so-good feelings; most of the times we tend to ignore them or negate them. Bringing awareness to that uncomfortable emotion and acknowledging it is important. It lifts the unconscious guilt we carry deep inside us and opens up a path of healing.
I feel that rather than fighting, I shouldn’t have felt jealousy because we had not kept our boundaries clear. It was unlawful of me to have exploded in rage in many other incidents that followed because the thought of her sleeping with my man infuriated me. Why I reacted the way I did, is probably the primitive human emotion that took the better of me.
I might not be proud of the fact that I repeatedly bad mouthed this woman, but I wasn’t ashamed that I was trying to defend my own little gypsy home. What I did was in defense of the love that I had for him, and I wouldn’t let anyone take that captive. Humans occasionally believe that they could control everything around them, but the truth lies that we are such frail creatures that we couldn’t even control our emotions.
So yes, I was jealous when I saw red bite marks on my man, the ones that I hadn’t given him. I was jealous when I saw pictures of them, closely shot across some exotic location. I still cannot seem to place words in a sentence when I feel jealous – and I wear this flustered look on my face every time I come across a similar stimulus.
But deep down, I know that this emotion is about my unaddressed insecurities in my own self-worth as a person. I felt somewhere unfulfilled, a void in my life that I tried to fill in with his presence. It became an addiction; a kind of dependency love. It was in sharp contrast with love with growth potential where by some measure outside of the relationship lovers become better, stronger, more attractive, more accomplished, or more sensitive individuals; and I think I did not.
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