Hi my name is Diana. I am 30 years old and have been married once before. I belong to the so-called progressive Anglo Indian community here in India, but my family is far more conservative than most Indian families. I would like to talk about an incident from a few years ago when I was 21. I ran away on the wedding night of my first marriage and that obviously resulted in a divorce. What was the main reason to run away? There was nothing wrong with him. He was a good man and in all practicality, it was a good match that my parents had arranged. He was a software engineer from Hyderabad and posted in Dallas. I ran away because I was scared of having sex and the pain associated with losing my virginity. After all these years this phrase ‘Losing my virginity’ sounds sexist, even if a woman says it. Losing a precious thing like virginity and instead of gaining what? Such statements sound so archaic and regressive in today’s times.
I liked the man, but I couldn’t get to surrender myself to him and go through the pain which is often associated with first-time sex. Where did this fear come from?
It is hard to point out exactly. I do have vague memories from my father and mother’s muffled sounds in their bedroom, which was next to my sibling’s and mine. My mother would have black marks or scars across her neck and stomach which was visible the next day and she would be silent. My father never smoked or drank but was a god-fearing, bible reading Preacher. He would be in an elated mood the next morning. I was young to understand what was happening but as I got older, I understood what sex was.
The girls in my school and college made me seen porn some of it which were gangbang, bdsm, etc. My first viewing of a BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sadism, and Masochism) movie made me puke in the college toilet. I could not imagine what pleasure that woman had when four men, tied her up, beat her up (spanking is what they call it) and then came on her breasts.
From watching my mother, and that woman’s scars to me being scared, I was sure that sex was a bad thing for me and I was never going to feel comfortable. These were some of the things that made me turn away from sex. Then I got posted to Jaipur for a few months and met Daniel. He was a colleague and what an impressionable man he was. He was a charmer and made all the women colleagues go weak in their knees. I liked him but nothing more than just a friend. We stayed at the same hotel and after work would spend a lot of time hanging out and that is why we became close friends. I eventually developed the comfort of being open with Daniel and shared about my first marriage and fear of sex. This was his method of seduction that he perfected over the years and I fell for it. And I am glad I fell for it for that one time. He listened calmly, sitting on the sofa next to my bed. He got up and walked towards me. I had a small tear while narrating my past experiences of discomfort with sex. He wiped my tear away and then kissed me on my lips with an assertive grip. I had goosebumps all over my virgin body.
He whispered in my ear
‘I will give you the gift of what a wonderful feeling of sex can be’.
I had been a party to his admission of how he managed to seduce so many women over the years. What was believable was not the number but the fact that he capable of it. I was witness to him charming other women in front of me and hence was convinced of his ability. I was strong enough not to fall for his charms but I did fall for wanting to have sex with him. Who better to have sex with than with a skillful seducer? And that is exactly what happened. On our weekend trip to Delhi, I stayed at his apartment instead of the girls. My agenda was to have sex with the master and take his help in getting rid of my fear of sex.
I thank Daniel for coming in my life as he showed me that sex could be sacred as well. I never met him or spoke to him again as he was only interested in my body. He made love to me passionately that one night in his apartment in Gurgaon. That experience gave me the strength to overcome my inhibitions of sex and set the tone for a healthy sex life that I have with my husband today. We have one little girl which is the product of the love I have with my husband.
I will share about the Sexperience I had with Daniel in my next.
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