One year ago

I am a plus size, dusky skinned woman but my partner always made me feel like Aphrodite, the Greek Goddess of love, beauty, pleasure and passion. He loved my belly fat, my stretch marks, my unwaxed hands and legs and all the other things which I was not confident about. Our sex life was very satisfying. An intentional cleavage flash or a sultry roll of the tongue on my upper lip would turn him on and would make him start the foreplay which would ultimately lead to sex. I would don a sexy lingerie on my fat body and he would give me a look of admiration and amatory.

Most of the times we had a quiet sex because that’s how I liked it. To enjoy it in my mind. The quietness made me feel connected to my partner and he understood me well in this regard. We would guide each other so that both are satisfied. Occasionally, we would go down on each other, giving and receiving pleasure. We always performed oral sex slowly, so that the other person can receive it, feel it, enjoy it and get connected with their partner.

Slow is always a derogatory term, used always in a negative sense. But don’t you think SLOW is the way of nature. Look around you and you will find all the natural things happening slowly. Formation of life, rocks, soil, mountains, rivers anything and everything which is natural. Nothing is happening within seconds or minutes. Sex is natural and so has to be done slowly, gently and lovingly. Only when you do it slowly can the other person guide you meticulously how he or she wants it, only then can you reach the peak beautifully and in the way intended and only then it can give you the maximum pleasure. Things done in haste lack beauty and perfection.

Fast Forward to Present

With umpteen offers in mobile data packs, everyone had unlimited internet bandwidth. Some gave 1GB/ day, some 2GB, some even 3GB. My partner had a plan which gave him 3GB/day. In the beginning he would use whatever he could for his work and social media and let the leftover be as it is. But gradually, he started watching porn. Initially one hour, then two then five and then most of his free time was wasted in watching porn. One day, while I was getting ready for our date, he said “Don’t you ever think about shedding some weight?”

“ummm no, why?” I said, perplexed.

“i think, a slim girl looks good naked” he replied, without much thought.

“What? But you have always loved me this way and since when have you started thinking this way?.” I said, irritated by his comment.

“I think you should ponder on it” he replied, evading my question.

That night when we were in bed, he saw my legs and said “you know what, your legs will look better if you get them waxed”. Two things in a row? I couldn’t take it and left the room. When I came back he was asleep with phone by his side airing a porn video.

For the next few weeks, I started noticing changes in him. He would keep to himself most of the times, lacked vigour and would get riled on little things. It was getting difficult, day by day, to turn him on with little things. He stopped appreciating my body. His wallpaper had the photo of a model with size zero yet voluptuous figure. One day, he came home looking happy. When I asked him the reason, he said I have got you something. “What have you got me?” I asked, smiling. He took out a pair of black pencil heels from his bag. “Please wear it tonight, for me”, he said expectantly. I saw him happy after so long and desperate that I was to make things right between us, I acquiesced. I tried the heels, they were too high and I could barely walk in them. How will I make it through the whole act? I thought.

The time came. He was excited to see me in those high heels and looking at his expression I convinced myself to do it for him. While he was making love to me, he asked “ Am I not giving you pleasure?”

“You are, why?”

“Then why aren’t you moaning?”

Even though the remark vexed me, I didn’t want to ruin another moment. So I started making voices. Oh! my throat went dry after 5 mins. All my concentration went into adjusting myself lest I fell down due to high heels and making different fake voices. I don’t know about him, but I didn’t enjoy myself at all that day. It was all about him receiving pleasure. So I decided to confront him.

“Why do you watch porn?” I asked

“Come, I will show you something”, he said, completely ignoring my question.

I sat beside him, furious. To no amazement, he started showing me a porn video.

“ Do you notice their figure? Look at the waist and the enormous breasts and their colour, so white. See,how sexy she looks in those heels. Oh! the voices, it drives me crazy,takes my imagination to an altogether different level” he said excited. “But its not real. Her breasts are not real. And stuffing all these things inside her is cruel. How can it turn you on?” I said, amazed by his thinking.

 I took the phone in my hands and started going over all the genres that the website has listed. There was a home made video. I clicked on it. There it was. A real naked woman. A woman with love handles and belly fat. A woman with stretch marks and whose expressions were natural, syncing with what she felt.

 “ See, this is how a real naked woman looks like” I said.

“That’s bad porn. Look at the rating, just 47%. Watch according to the rating.” he said

At that moment I understood the whole point. Porn had made him enter into a world where nothing was real. His expectations were a far cry from reality. Things which didn’t and couldn’t exist gave him pleasure.

He wanted me to emulate all the acts he saw in the video. It was triggering the darkest areas in his brain. He had started looking at me like an object, one who is ever ready to have sex, would do anything to fulfill his whims and wishes and would take anything inside her without feeling any pain.

It took me a lot of effort, patience and perseverance to bring him out of it. At first, he didn’t accept that he had gone away from reality. But slowly, with his own efforts and mine he stopped watching porn and started appreciating real beauty. 

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