My heart is bleeding and I just cried, my face sunk in the pink pillow. Tears rolled on my cheeks in silence to avoid waking up other people in the house from their sleep. I’m so frigid by the spell of love that I cannot bear to bring my hands up to wipe them. Instead, I smudged my face left and right in the same pillow to dry out those tears. It’s embarrassing to be caught crying. I reminisce my date with my schoolmate that made me emotional.
He and I never spoke in school. Unlike my present radical self, I was a demure girl in my school. I hesitated to talk to anyone in the class, even girls. Boys always remained a far-fetched dream. In my private world, where my only audience was my soul, I would secretly desire for each one of those boys to ask my hand. Height, color, complexion, academic credentials, the family background did not matter. All it mattered was that the boy should be kind enough to accept this ugly duckling. By accepting her, he elevates her to the position of a woman. She does not feel a woman, till she is accepted by a man.
My schoolmate witnessed my evolution from being a recluse kid to a full-blown, firebrand woman in her mid-30s. And he was not alone, there were men who liked my no holds barred commentary on the most tabooed matters. Except that he was unique from all of those men in a way. That he ‘cared’ for me. And it was not just phony words, he proved by his actions that he cared for me. He came to my city for some work and thus we met.
I reached the mall at the scheduled time but he was a bit late. I rambled near the staircase to kill time. My back was facing the door. As he came in, I looked at him but pretended that I haven’t seen him. It was still too early for the mall to pick up the bonhomie and hence we both recognized each other even though we were meeting after 2 decades. He came near me and we had a soft handshake. The next task was to find a place to eat and sit. He hasn’t had his breakfast and I had some homemade chena. Most of the eating joints would open post 11 am and thus we had to settle for a cinnamon bakery. I had a cinnamon cupcake and he a coffee. Though I was unemployed, I insisted on paying bills this time. He protested, it’s usually a boy thing to do, but I was unfazed.
We sat and talked. He was curious to hear my transformation tale, that from being an ultra-shy girl in the school, how I landed up talking sex all the time. For me, it was a time for me to know what my other classmates thought of me in the school. His words were:
‘You were quiet and reserved all the time. No one could approach you.’
This awareness filled the barren spot inside me that it was not my unworthiness that made all male schoolmates elusive to me but my reticence. I was finally able to forgive myself and move forward in life from that classroom. That itch no longer hurts. Seeing me quiet, my school friend nudged my forearm. He was eager to receive sexual enlightenment from his guru. I remarked:
“You will be amazed to know that the most tantalizing of touches are the subtle touches.”
I explained it to him by gently pressing his earlobe between my thumb and index finger. How does it feel? I asked him. He was stupefied. Not many people know that manipulating earlobes alone can trigger a full climax. I then sketched a meandering trail on his neck with my index finger making him tickle. Sensing the rising sexual heat, I tried to soothe it by pointing at the bursting sexual chemistry between us.
“See my thigh is touching your thigh and this ‘brush’ enlivens our senses. You know why? The whole essence is in the extreme lightness of the touch that is far more electric than thrusting that involves force. Anyways, why should we feel awkward in telling the other person that we are indeed aroused by their touch?”
Nothing more happened on that sultry evening other than that genteel touch and yet it remains unforgettable. The friendly banter, the teasing, gazing and touching. Isn’t it a sensual paradise that we skip through in our rush to penetrate? In a hypersexualized culture, the impetus is on penetration, so much that other sexual acts (touching, kissing, stroking, etc.) are thought of as incomplete till penetration takes place. But it is a misconception. A touch given and received with complete presence and affection can do wonders to resurrect the sensual mood.
I particularly like the neck touching. Neck touching is a significant pacifying behavior to reduce stress. Rubbing or massaging the back of the neck with all forefingers or open palm; lightly stroking the sides of the neck or just around the collarbone create warm sensations and calm the individual down. In such tantalizing touches, tenderness is important. Tenderness is a constant awareness of what your partner is feeling, plus the knowledge of how to heighten that feeling, gently, toughly, slowly, or fast. Remember! Tenderness makes foreplay great : )
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