I Escaped Porn Addiction

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I Escaped Porn Addiction

It started out of curiosity. I was in that unstable teenage phase when hormones raged high. I had just finished my 9th standard exams and was enjoying my summer holidays. I used to hang out at my friend’s place after dinner. 3-4 of us used to sit in his backyard and play cards or other indoor games. There my friends always chatted about sex and related physical acts like masturbation, oral sex, etc. One of them had already watched porn several times and he would describe the intricate details and what happens in the body after watching it (like erection of the penis and the uncontrolled urge to masturbate). Till that time I had no idea about porn and hence I became intrigued about it and decided to watch it.

My friends planned everything and I watched porn for the first time in my friend’s house when no one was at home. It was stunning! I have never watched anything like that before. I could have never conceived in my wildest imagining, a man and a woman in a nude state like this. After watching that I was uncontrollably excited and my penis had a strong erection. I was in a different world. I went to the bathroom and started jerking off. Within a few minutes, I came out. That orgasm was something different. As Salman Rushdie has said, “A climax should surge towards Himalayan peak.” I felt likewise in that warmth of ejaculate. And maybe this was the main reason why I continued watching porn.  It gave me orgasms!

Next time I watched porn where a guy was seducing a sleeping girl and she starts feeling that touch in her sleep and gets aroused to have sex. I always liked such novel videos where there is sensual foreplay and some new techniques. I never enjoyed the hard-core porn (where they directly show the intercourse). I started collecting videos with different content and that continued till my third year of Engineering and slowly I realized that I have become addicted to it. I enjoyed masturbation only after watching that sensual porn video. The normal ejaculation and the ejaculation after watching porn was completely different. But as I became aware of this, I started worrying and also there was guilt. Till that time I was not in any relationship. But whenever I saw a beautiful girl, my mind fantasized about all those things that I watched in porn.

Once I was at my distant aunt’s house. She had a daughter who is a year elder to me. We had a very friendly relationship. That day I was in her room and we were having a casual chat. She was sharing her experience of a recent trek and mentioned her back and legs pain. I asked her if I can massage her back and legs. She humored that I may break her spine with excess pressure by my muscles. (That time I also had a muscular body). But upon my assurance, she lied down on her stomach and asked me to give light pressure. I had watched porn of massage wherein that guy in the video had seduced the girl and then that girl got excited to have sex. All those things started flashing subconsciously in my mind. (I completely forgot that she is my cousin). I started massaging her back and after a few minutes, I started going down. Slightly touching her buttocks and slowly going down to her thighs. She was wearing skinny fit track pants. That view excited me. I started coming up near her thighs and tried touching her inner side of the thigh.

She was not responding. I thought she’s enjoying. I was exactly doing the same things which I had watched in that porn. I was aroused and could feel the erection of my penis. In that excitement, I tried to slide my fingers into that gap. I think that touched her vagina. I continued to rub my hand there and heard a few moans out of her mouth. But then suddenly she got up and went out of the room. I was in a different mood but slowly came to my senses. I sat there repenting what she will think about me. After a few minutes, I went out and tried apologizing to her but she was annoyed and didn’t reply.

I was filled with immense guilt and shame.  After that incident, I realized that porn has severely impacted me and I resolved to come out of it.

I started by reading about porn addiction to find the root cause of it. I found that pornography addiction had impacted my interpersonal relations in real life. Porn has reinforced in my mind a powerful association between the stimulus of the female body and sexual act. But because in porn, there’s no role of courtship, conversation, consent, love, respect that leads to sex and its only sex and nothing else. It’s just open the computer and sex. Hence the brain comes to desire and expects only sex from women, and one loses the desire and the ability to appreciate other things about them. This belief gets wired into our sexuality. So when a regular porn watcher is around women in real life, their brain is expecting only sex from them. This is what happened to me on that day. 

Then, with strong will power to come out of it, I started doing all possible things. I found out through my research and talking to porn deaddiction support groups and counselors that:

The desire for compulsive porn experience is self-created and self-contained. The brain is simply been taught that porn is the source of feel-good chemicals and it will push you to get them. A porn addict has to give their brain other sources: one that ‘grow’ their life, like meditating, socializing, reading, exercising, sports, or a hobby. You simply redirect the urge to other sources that are equally pleasing and thrilling to your brain, and eventually, your mind pushes you towards those things rather than porn. 

I enrolled in a yoga and meditation class; engaged myself in recreational activities (learning guitar, volunteering, gym). Regular exercise, yoga, meditation, socializing, volunteering and some spiritual books helped me a lot to come out of the habit of watching porn. Eventually, I stopped getting those urges to watch porn. But naturally, I get arousals (because it’s sexual energy that needs an outlet) once in 2-3 weeks and feel like touching myself. But that isn’t the urge to watch porn. I just masturbated and released myself in that situation. I’m Porn free : )

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If you want to schedule an appointment to discuss your sexual and intimate queries with Pallavi, drop an email on redwomb.smiles@gmail.com

By |2019-07-04T07:48:35+00:00July 4th, 2019|Men, Mind|1 Comment

One Comment

  1. Govind Kumar Saxena July 4, 2019 at 12:34 pm - Reply

    Please send me your research information or experience etc.
    Regards
    Govind

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