I had been in a sexless marriage and it feels unfulfilling deep inside. It started with an emotional disconnect and continued on the facade of motherhood liabilities. This dry spell continued for 5 long years and I coped by binge eating, piling up 10 kilos in the intervening period. It was an outside affair with another man that made me realize what I had been missing all this while.
I felt alive, I felt desired, I felt youthful.
I have since then known much about my body and arousal pattern. I need to feel connected, loved, and safe with a man in order to open my body to him. I also need to be in the right state of mind. I like sex incredibly relaxing when my soul is ready to open up. This opening up, shedding of clothes is highly vulnerable. You are not just exposing your body, but your unhealed scars from the same man you are going to make love to. It was getting impossible for me because conflicts do exist in a relationship. It did in mine. So I placed the sex on a permanent standby until everything in the relationship healed, which never happened. And thus sex stopped until I read this:
“Unfortunately, when sex leaves the bedroom, the touch also disappears. There is this weird agreement that when we don’t have sex, we also don’t have an intimate touch. It also works the other way around, when one partner reaches out for touch, the unspoken message is shall we have sex.”
The awareness left me nonplussed. How this sexual conservatism has limited our thinking about intimate touch. I introspected and realized that at times when my body does not want sex it still needs that nourishing touch. Touch that says – “All of you is welcome here. I am with you. Fully. Completely. Touch that welcomes the Totality of who I am as a human being- including the messy, raw, tender, scared, sad, angry, numb parts of me. Touch that does not seek to fix, manipulate, deny, heal any part of me.”
This is the touch we all long for; when we do not long for sex.
But the unaware is either threatened or too insistent about sex. For them sex is not about intimate touch, it is only about penetration. Thus I know women who don’t undress in front of their man because they detest sex. In my case, my man offered me a juicy back massage one night but then he started undressing me after it. The underlying message was: I want sex, so you better not disappoint me. It offended me.
We have to stop connecting intimate touch to intercourse. That intimate touch has to lead to intercourse? That going for a bath together should lead to sex, that simply lying naked together is not satisfying enough. That touching genital is mere foreplay. That deep mouth kissing or getting aroused means we must go all the way till the end.
I mean, where is the actual exploration in all of this when we constrain ourselves to a goal, a chase? Do you remember that childhood game of hide and seek we all played: crouching behind a bush, the delicious thrill of hiding while your friend came looking for you; the melting terror of being discovered; the chuckle as you ran amidst the bushes to find a better place to hide. Wasn’t the journey of exploration equally fascinating as winning?
Intimate touch is this same exploration, this same playfulness without any agenda, without the pressure to fuck. This intimate touch is not a prelude to orgasm. This intimate touch itself is the orgasm. I’m not saying that penetrative sex and oral sex are not amazing. It is just that the field of intimate touch is so incredibly magnetic and rich.
Let’s open our imagination, let’s become playful to explore this intimate touch. Let’s end all the sexless marriages by inviting goal-less pleasure back in the relationship because when there is an abundance of pressure free, goal-less intimate touch, the doors to a rich, fulfilling sex open spontaneously. Here is a tip to practice intimate touch:
Just come together and give each other a hug with your entire body. Relax your bellies, allow your hips to touch, and just hold each other. Allow yourself to be held and hold your partner and allow your energies to merge and to soften together. This is a very beautiful and nourishing experience. Our bodies are really starving for this kind of touch.