Being in your twenties is quite challenging; although a phase, but a very important one, especially for women. We go through a range of emotions. I will soon turn 23, and I can already understand what this phase does. The major aspect, amid all the changes, is our sexual life. Now, our parents and most people from the previous generations got married in their early twenties and somehow, had their sex life sorted- given the stigma attached to it in our society. Us, however, are breathing rebels. We question, challenge, and work towards living a life free of stigma, taboo, myths, and boundaries.
I too, gained quite a lot of perspective on this and learnt a lot. My sex life has been a rollercoaster ride. The one thing common in most women my age, is the sexual freedom and the ease of having casual sex. Casual sex- a term I am not sure I am ready to categorize good or bad into. It has its charm, but has its set of problems too. For quite a long time in my life, I considered it to be a ‘sin’, which is stupid. Things changed after my first break up. I was about 17, and I was quite adept at sex chats (:P), but had not quite experienced anything for real. My second relationship was a distant one and ended too soon. I then ventured into the world of ‘friends with benefits’, ‘casual sex’, ‘hook ups’ and the likes.
One of the biggest mistakes a lot of us women do, is fall into the trap of men sugarcoating their words. This age, when we are the most vulnerable and dynamic, when we can honestly get whatever and whoever we want, we submit ourselves to whoever gives us a little validation. It is not necessarily bad, but can be dangerous because most often, we are not sure about the man’s intentions and background. My first sexual experience was weird and confusing. I got too drunk, and kept giving into whatever the guy said. I don’t feel too bad about it, but I feel violated at times.
Lesson learnt- never ever get drunk with a man if you are not sure what it will lead to.
That was my first sexual experience that involved no foreplay, no cuddles, no loving touch but only intercourse. Ever since then, I have been wary of who I get drunk with. I have had great conversations with him, I have spent good moments with him, but that still does not give him the license to have sex with me when I am not in my senses.
Prior to that, there was a 37-year-old man who lured me with his emotional and sweet words. We kissed, we made out, and I did allow him. However, it was wrong on his part to allow all of it to happen given that I was only 19. It never felt right. We were almost in bed and I pushed him away, feeling scared and lost. I have a history of child sexual abuse, so sexual experiences are two extremes for me- either a means of validation, or a trigger to endless breakdowns.
Anyway, after my first sexual experience, I got involved some other men too. One of them, ten years elder to me, is one of the best kissers I know. What felt good about him, was he cared. He constantly asked me if I was okay, if touching me was okay, if I felt good. There was no romantic love or platonic love between us, but the lustful relationship we shared involved a lot of care for each other.
Lesson learnt- every relationship needs emotions and a lot of care.
My next experience was bad again, as the guy is a very good friend, but had zero sense of responsibility. He urged to have sex without protection. I was very clear in my head to never allow a man do it without a condom. We did end up doing it, but I was disappointed.
Lesson learnt- never allow a man close to your body if he does not want to touch you with care and love. A man’s denial for protection shows his lack of responsibility and care.
After that incident, I did not get involved with anyone for quite some time. I did exchange kisses with someone in a car, which was amazing. The best thing about him was his absolute care. He never pushed anything, never indicated anything, but allowed me my space and my will. Such men do really deserve your love, embrace, and body ;).
I had life’s best sexual experiences when I was travelling. There were a couple of small encounters when I made out, but did not feel very good about them because I did not connect to them. It is really important to know the man, have a conversation, and then go further. Anyway, my travel days where when I made love under the stars, in a village in the Himalayas, and it felt good; especially, because the guy was caring. However, he too turned into an entitled idiot soon. He triggered one of my worst breakdowns when he kept trying to touch me against my will.
Lesson learnt- no matter how loving a man appears initially, he might feel entitled if you keep allowing everything. Maintain boundaries.
After all such terrible, good, brilliant, horrible experiences, I had this beautiful sex. It felt like a conversation. I had known him for about a year, and he took his time with my body. Allowed me to express, made me feel free. Unlike my previous experiences that felt dark and black, this one was full of light, bright lights that shone so lovingly. Mind you, this was casual too.
So, it is best we take our time even with casual sex. It is also okay to lose oneself in the moment. It is never okay, however, to give in to a guy pursuing you crazily and forcibly.