• Porn Addiction

How I overcame my porn addiction

At the age of 15, after spending 8 hours continuously watching porn, and realising that this was the 5th night that week I had spent like that, I had to admit to myself that I was indeed addicted to porn. The realisation struck home a singular type of terror and isolation that I had never experienced before. 

For my fairly conservative Christian parents, my knowledge of sex and masturbation was enough to cut me off from the internet, and then the outside world. My realisation had to be a secret, I had no-one to go to for help, and no one to even talk about this with.

I began watching porn on the internet as a preteen, though I had been masturbating for years before. Getting access to the internet was a real turning point. I will never forget the beautiful mix of adrenaline and orgasmic pleasure I experienced by googling “big boobs” on the family computer. It took years for me to get my own computer and smartphone, and for me to grow from youtubing naked women to being addicted hardcore kink websites.

I would spend hours and hours looking at porn. My entire daily routine in my ninth and tenth standards was revolved around masturbation. I would wake up replaying scenes from the porn I’d watched the night before and masturbate in the shower. The hour long bus ride to the school would be spent fantasising about sex, or reading erotica on my phone. I would get off once before assembly, and later during lunch break or so. I would spend boring classes fantasising, about the teachers, about other students, or sneaking my phone to class so I could read Harry Potter smut. Once again, my ride back home would be spent fantasising, and for hours after I returned home I would be spent locked in my bathroom. To the extent that I would claim I was studying for boards on my laptop, and spend the hours looking at porn.

Though I masturbated multiple times a day, watching porn was my hobby, it didn’t truly matter whether I would have the time or the space to orgasm after. Porn was no longer a tool to achieving pleasure, but the pleasure itself. It was like a never ending blackhole of perverse arousal. Often at night, sheer exhaustion would put me to sleep after hours of browsing, even before I could begin masturbating.

It took me 2 years to realise this was not normal. By this time my school curriculum had opened up to encourage individual research. Much of the topics I chose was related teenage sexuality and the influence of porn on society. Imagine my shock when I realised learning everything one knows about sex from porn was not a universal experience!

In Indian societies, the blue print our parents follow often means, they would never even consider introducing us to sex or sexuality until a few months before our marriage. Any ideation of sex before this is a sin, which means they failed as parents.

I learnt through this research that my porn addiction was simply a subsidiary to my depression and loneliness. Porn was a manner of escapism from my real life, and the shame and guilt that I experienced afterwards, contributed further to my mental illness. Understanding all this, and being part of online communities which talked about sex and sexuality in a healthy manner helped me rationalise my sexuality as well as the role it should play in my life.

What helped me eventually overcome this addiction was a thorough understanding of the problem, and its roots in depression and anxiety. Where this space could not be provided by my society and family, platforms on the internet did.

Rather than cut myself off porn completely and going cold turkey, as one is recommended to do with addictions, I focused on treating my depression. This was also much less taboo problem I could approach my parents with, and I could obtain a certain level of counselling.

Nevertheless, I didn’t truly overcome my addiction until I moved away from home, and truly learnt to manage my depression.

I have been watching porn since much before I ever understood the concept of sex. This addiction shaped my prospective on sex. The inherent misogyny and violence of the industry has forever tainted my idea of “a good time”. It is only now, 3 years after I realised I was addicted, am I able to even understand sex as something beyond power. It was never framed as an expression of love and softness, but as the submission of a person to the other.

Porn Distorted View of Sex

Porn Distorted View of Sex

This lead me to romantic relationships where I expected my boyfriend to be constantly in the mood for sex, shaming him when he was not. It lead me to centre all my sexual experience in pleasing my partner, leaving me bored and uninterested when they attempted to satisfy me.

Addictions during your teenage years are particularly difficult to overcome. Especially because most often we cannot expect any help from our parents.

Addiction among teenagers, especially among girls are often seen as a sign of a corrupt morality, a terrible failure on part of the parents. There are millions of resources available so parents may control or punish their children’s actions, but there are painfully few conversations between parents and children to rationalise their experiences and teach what a healthy sexual relations might be.

By |2019-11-11T12:05:02+00:00October 20th, 2019|Adolescent, Her|1 Comment

One Comment

  1. Padma Kumari October 22, 2019 at 6:34 am - Reply

    I had worked with adolescents giving them information about SRHR, ie sexual reproductive health and rights in school and out of school as well. They are very receptive about the information shared on sex and sexuality as they have no one in the society whom they can share their queries or talk on this topic because they fear that they will be declared morally corrupt.

Leave A Comment

Ask Sex Coach

You don’t need to settle for a mediocre love life. Light up your bedroom with our advice.

I agree to the Terms