The way sexual energy moves and the duration sexual pleasure lasts is largely dependent on how we have programmed our bodies through self-pleasuring, (masturbation) When a boy is growing up, he gets to learn about masturbation from porn or from his circle of same-age friends, not from a trusted adult, who tells him that it is ok to explore your body and seek pleasure from it by masturbation. The word “masturbation” is steeped in layers of shame.
And thus he compulsively develops a tendency to go into self-pleasuring furtively and quickly so as not to be discovered while in the act. He might go to the bathroom to quickly release himself or do it in his study room with doors closed under the constant fear that someone may knock or ask why the room is closed. Habitual repetition of this will eventually program the body of the young adult to follow this well-trodden path, in any sexual situation, whether that be alone or with a lover. The quick-release!
Self-pleasuring is an important practice to cultivate.
Masturbation or Self-pleasure is actually a form of lovemaking. And it is not the sex you have when you can’t get “real sex.” How you do yourself (or don’t) is a key in understanding your deeper erotic needs and your huge erotic potential.
Knowing your body, your bodily needs is how you can first tune into the real needs of your sexuality and then share the fruits of this erotic wisdom with your partner.
Self-pleasure can be genitally focused, full-body focused or a movement back and forth between the two. It can involve using breath and movement, intention, even focus on some outer vision or goal. It can include the finest sex toys. It can even involve self-pleasuring with your partner in the same space. Mmmmm…
If you can really stretch yourself and access even deeper vulnerability, you could even self-pleasure in a group or with friends as long as a safe “container” is created for this utterly transformative experience. Stripping the layers of shame around our natural eroticism also becomes the door to the awakening of our deeper spiritual self.
If you are interested to deprogram yourself from the social scripts of sexuality that do not resonate with your true nature. Here are a few steps to the most sexy date with… yourself.
1. Create a context each time you are practicing masturbation/ self-pleasuring as a meditation. What would you like to dedicate your practice to? “I welcome all parts of myself” “My practice is about noticing my feelings, sensations, and thoughts, while remaining goalless,” “I desire to give myself a sensual massage”…
2. Set a timer for an amount of time that is realistic for you. This might be five minutes. Ideally, your practice may be somewhere between 20 and 45 minutes but start with five if that’s all you’ve got.
3. Create an environment that supports you in feeling relaxed. This might be difficult if you have a hard time finding alone time in your home or schedule. But then even five minutes in the shower can work. Lighting a candle in the bedroom is another great place to start. If you have a partner, you can also ask your partner for some time alone in your bedroom.
4. Commit to practicing over a period of time. Just like meditation, the benefits are cumulative and have a greater impact the longer you practice. This ongoing practice can lead to greater awareness of your sexuality versus rote masturbation that intends only in orgasmic release. Instead, when you are attempting self-pleasuring/ masturbation as meditation, your whole body becomes your erotic landscape and not just your genitals. You start to derive joy from each cell of the body, you start engaging all your senses.
5. Move Slowly. It can be tempting to rush to your destination — whether that’s through clitoral stimulation, penetration, or another method of orgasm entirely — but remember that this is a journey. Feel every moment spend in your own company away from judgment, feel the bliss locked inside your own body. The way you look at your body, the way you feel your hand caressing the area around your navel. The goal is to learn more about yourself and what you enjoy as you explore.
6. Avoid habits. Take time to explore your body in newer ways, by changing the pressure and intention of touch. Part of what keeps our attention and interest alive is the variety. When we form habits, we start to know what to expect, making it easier for us to go on auto-pilot and check out.
Use your breath, sound, touch, and movement to bring new dynamics in your practice. Sometimes you may be laying down on your back, other times – on your belly, or standing, dancing, witnessing yourself in the mirror… or all of the above. Try breathing fast sometimes; other times – slow and deep. Experiment with sounds: sighs, moans, grunts, screams, chants. Sound activates and moves the energy from your pelvis to top. You may want to try “dirty” talk or showering yourself with compliments.
But do not get pulled into the lure of masturbating while watching porn.
Your self-pleasure can be your juiciest and most powerful form of meditation. Stay present with your body, your sensations and let yourself be guided by a natural current emerging from within – that’s all you need.