My relationship with my father is complicated to say the least. He is a wonderful provider, and has ensured money was never an obstacle for me to fulfil my educational dreams. His handwork and swear has put me through expensive high schools, and a foreign degree, and it was clearly his insistence that I was exposed various experiences early in my life that has propelled me to pursue my passion.
However, he is, in fact, a complete manwhore.
My father is a selfish and manipulative man, with an incomparable need for control, all of which eventually became a major cause of my childhood depression and suicidal tendencies. Despite his desire that I do well in school and go to a prestigious college, and attain a successful professional career, nothing has stopped him from telling me that I am not growing up into a “real woman” when I did not have lunch ready for him the day before my Math board exam.
See, I don’t know how common a father like this is, but I think it is weird as fuck. And eventually after numerous explosive fights, which once ended with me punching him in the dick, today, we have reached a strange sort of an impasse. He has grown old, and hence grow tired far more easily, and I am so close to being free, with only 2 more years of tuition he needs to pay for my degree, it really doesn’t seem worth it.
Anyway, everyone knows that the big fight will come when he decides it is time for me to get married.
But I digress. What I wanted to establish is that we have conflict ridden relationship, which spews out in anger and harsh words like a volcano spewing out ash, depending on his mood swings and circumstances.
It is during one of these periods of anger and harshness directed at me (I think he was saying that I had inherited my mum’s inefficiencies and stupidities), that while doing something on his phone a notification popped up claiming (in all its comedy) that Jar Jar Binks had viewed his profile on Seeking Arrangements.
What. a. fucker.
So like any rational daughter would do, that night, I snuck into his room, took his phone and collected as much evidence as I could about his account, him chatting with random girls, all the pictures of his dick that he sent, and all his desires that I could find. After uploading it to like 5 different places, so I will never lose them, I sank into a few weeks of utter confusion.
Do I tell my mother? It might lead to a huge fight, but a divorce is unlikely, since, you know he’s a man, and he’s got “urges”, no-one would be on my mum’s side. And also she has vaginismus or some variation of it which, I’m sure will be paraded about in court and in the family as proof of her insufficiency. It doesn’t make any sense.
I know she deserves to know, but does she deserve what will come after? Does she, who has gone through so much already, deserve a betrayal like that? Additionally, it will be me who will have to take on the emotional labour that this will create. Right now, I genuinely don’t have the time or capacity to do that.
I haven’t told her yet. And as fucking patriarchal as our society is, those who will hurt the most from this information being made public is me and my mother, and neither of us are right now in a position to take something like that.
This whole thing reminds me of Arthur Miller’s Crucible. One married man forgetting the commandment against adultery, and somehow it is all the women that are burnt at stake.
Anyway, I have decided that this information will be kept to myself as of now. And in case he discovers my bdsm blog, or that I write here, or my secret boyfriend, or that I am sexually active, or that I’m bisexual, or any of the things that might cause him to cut me off, I will nuke his reputation and life by blaming my “deviances” on his faithlessness.
I write here about this, because I have nowhere else to go. My friends have never seen their parent’s this close up, the wokest of them have no idea where the ethics or morals in this situation stands.
So with hope against hope, I ask you, random members of the internet, what do you think?