My love for BDSM gives me sleepless nights

///My love for BDSM gives me sleepless nights
  • Shibari Bondage

My love for BDSM gives me sleepless nights

I have never gotten off to porn that wasn’t violent and bordering on abusive ever. I have been into BDSM since I began masturbating. In fact, I remember repeatedly borrowing Jane Eyre from my school library in 6th grade, because I loved rubbing off to the scene where she is caned for misbehaving.

For the longest time this was my biggest and most well guarded secret. If the word got out, any and every stance I took on women’s rights would be completely undermined.

The fact that I was attracted to the very things I fought on a  daily basis at home was quite impossible for me to understand.

Why was a gagged, kneeling woman so erotic to me, but when my grandfather told me ‘good women are seen, not heard’, I planned to hit him by dropping a coconut on his head.

For most of my adolescence, I watched what I wanted, assuring myself that all this was indeed consensual and thus, was not misogynistic. I refused to delve much into this question until later.

However, the more angsty I grew as a teenager, the more violent and extreme my porn became. I had seen so much cruelty, brutality bordering on blood thirstiness, that several times I couldn’t sleep because the images wouldn’t leave my head. By the time I was 20, and I physically could not stand to watch Game of Thrones, because the treatment of women in it would cause me flashbacks and I would be incredibly uncomfortable for the rest of the day.

After several sleepless nights I finally admitted to myself, that the problem really was the porn I watched. I don’t know why but the fact that most of the producers of the porn I watched were proud Trump supporters didn’t strike me until then, neither did the fact that several of them had mentioned KKK in their bio.

So here I made the very important and effective decision to stop watching such porn, instead I shifted to lesbian porn. Though this was still within the BDSM community, there were no longer women being buried alive, there was no longer so much blood, or fascination with bringing women to the edge of death.

And let me tell, it really worked. I grew a certain amount of love for myself and my body. Masturbating was no longer a 3 minute event where I got myself off as fast as I possibly could. I touched my body gently, I infused it with love and joy.

The focus of my porn was no longer being hurt, but submitting to someone I could respect and love. And that my friends is what I realised BDSM was all about, and when I finally got there, it was an orgasm became almost a spiritual experience.

I would argue that the relationship between BDSM and misogyny is one of the most complicated relationships in the world.

Ever since the release of the infamous 50 Shades of Grey mainstream feminists have been trying to find the line that ended innocent sexual desires and began true misogyny.

And despite all my experience, I still have not found this line. But I absolutely know that this line exists.

I have friends who have sexual assault fantasies, and fantasies about being kidnapped and gang banged. Some of them would absolutely love to spend weeks completely submissive to a man, both domestically and sexually.

The line is drawn at consent. But in videos and erotic writing, it is very difficult to ascertain where consent lies, and where it does not. There is a desperate need for more censorship within porn sites. But it must censorship which is capable of understanding the female perspective.

I think in my ideal world, I would be able to watch porn within the MaleDom – FemaleSub category in BDSM which are directed and written by women. The untrue idea that because women are made to be submissive, hence it should not cater to women viewers must be banished.

Women love to submit, but it must be on their terms and with their consent. If the porn industry could learn that, I bet they would tap into a a huge audience. And I wouldn’t be left with brutal images seared into my brain.

By |2020-01-24T14:43:34+00:00January 24th, 2020|Sexploration, Women|1 Comment

One Comment

  1. Sreekanth January 30, 2020 at 5:53 pm - Reply

    Interesting . The conflicts of the mind and then the realisation of importance of consent . As a man I have gone through the other side of this . Still learning . Loved your clarity of thought

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