Ever since I was fifteen, I have been trying my very hardest to lose my virginity. But for some reason, the damn penis just refuses to enter my vagina. I tried in a million positions, with multiple penises, but my vagina remains locked up like an old storage room.
See the problem was that every time, anything more than an inch of a forefinger attempted to enter me, the entire region would burn like the hellfire my catholic parents warned me about. Initially I thought my body was playing into the idea that sex hurts for women, especially virgins, but a lot of research told me this wasn’t necessarily true, and anyway, it was hurting far more that it should even in those circumstances.
So I spent all of my high school years trying to no avail. Sex to me, started resembling in almost all illustrative likeness, to banging a head against a stone wall.
Thinking this was a problem with a lack of wetness I bought lube. I bought multiple types of lube when the first one didn’t work, but nothing. I even attempted to delve deep into my psyche thinking this was some sort of a physical reaction to the catholic or feminine guilt of having sex before marriage, or even disappointing my parents.
But whatever I did, my pussy refused to open up.
I was at a complete loss.
When the time came that I had to leave home for university, I knew this mystery had to be solved. There was absolutely no way I was going to remain a virgin throughout my university experience.
So like the rest of my generation that grew up with the internet, I waited until everyone was asleep and googled the sh$t out of my problem. Here, I found a whole host of sex related problems women seem to be having.
Most of the symptoms I found similar to mine were posted by other worried women in online sex discussions or in forums asking so called sex-experts. But I was very disappointed to see that the vast majority of these experts would simply recommend that the woman “relax”, and that “a little pain is normal”. Frankly, I felt this was simply some victorian era dismissal of women over reacting to normal negative sensations.
But as I pressed on with my research, I found that my pains were similar to the symptoms of Vaginismus.
Vaginismus is a condition in which involuntary muscle spasms prevent sexual intercourse. The sensations can range from being mildly uncomfortable to being too painful to even consider intercourse.
Finally I understood why my vagina seemed so incessantly loyal to my parent’s conservative views.
Once I understood this, I found my way to the gynaecologist. After the initial awkwardness of finding a tiny girl unaccompanied by her mother asking for an exam, she looked deep into my vagina and told me, “you just need to relax”.
When I attempted to convince her that there was more to my pain, she simply shrugged her shoulders and suggested running tests.
A year later, while I was pursued my degree in France, I visited the gynaecologist with the same issue. This time with the help of my translator, she told me “you just need to relax, and try using lube”. At this point I was ready to tear my hair out.
However hard I tried, I could not convince these doctors, that my pain was severe, and it wasn’t a matter of stress. Every time I tried, they simply shrugged their shoulders and said there was nothing they could do to help.
At this point, I folded up my frustration and decided to wait until I was financially independent from my parents before addressing this problem again.
This is alright for me at this moment. But what I found the most frustrating was the reaction of the doctors. Its not that they didn’t know what was wrong with me, but no-one was interested in even taking my problem seriously.
Even when you google female sexual issues such as vaginismus or vulvodynia, there is a desperate lack of research in these fields. No-one has cared for the sexual issues of women, but there are millions of dollars worth of research for cosmetic procedures of the vulva.
What is truly tragic is that I know my mother and most probably my grandmother has experienced similar pains throughout their lives. They had no-one to tell this to, when they did it was dismissed as a normal part of womanhood.
In the future I hope to eventually find the right doctor, and then whatever treatment that could possibly allow me to have pleasurable intercourse.