Ever had that feeling where you made a complete fool of yourself? We all know the answer to that. It has taken a great deal of introspection and a tumultuous inner journey for me to realize what I want and seek when it comes to relationships. After my last relationship, I had been afraid to open myself up to love because that requires me to be vulnerable. I went about saying I don’t want a relationship.
Recently I ran into someone I liked. After a long time, I felt that spark. I surrendered myself to the moment. I felt like being with someone after a long time. I let myself be vulnerable. But the happiness didn’t last long. The man suddenly disappeared into thin air. He, who would come running to me after a long day at work, started making up excuses of being busy. I became obsessed with his thoughts and kept thinking why would he do such a thing.
I was furious. I would curse the entire male species in my head. Then I called Pallavi one night and poured my heart out. She lightened my mood and gave me perspective. One day, I will find the answers to these questions. Why are men emotionally unavailable? Why do they ghost on you suddenly? What makes them abandon a woman after establishing such an intimate connection with her?
Although I have been very selective in my choices of men and extremely cautious, this wasn’t the first time something of this sort happened to me. When I was in my early twenties, I met a man I was attracted instantly to. We lived in different cities and talked to each other every day. After two months of talking, he came down to my city for some official work and we met. We spent two days together. It was perfect and beautiful. He returned to his city and we spoke twice after that. Then he ghosted, leaving me with questions and an obsessive rage. I felt used for the first time in my life and I decided I would never end up in this position. I began playing safe, withdrawing myself before the man could abandon me, and it worked for me.
Then something devastating happened after my marriage ended. I was weak and vulnerable and I jumped into a relationship with my eyes closed. I gave the man everything I could too quick. Soon enough, he was done with me and left. I was already broken and he struck a deadly blow to my dignity. It took me over a year to recover from it. The questions still haunt me at times.
That experience has made me so cautious that I rarely trust people anymore. I tried to open myself and ended up hurt. I know that I would be told that he wasn’t the right person and there are many good men out there. I am aware of that. I want to know how can one human do this to another? How are we so self-absorbed that we don’t care about what we throw at the other person? I am no saint either. I too have hurt some people in my ignorance. And when I was cleaning up my life, I reached out to every single person and asked for their forgiveness. Because I cannot go back in time and change who I used to be or what I did, but I have accepted my mistakes and sent my sincere apologies to them.
Why is it so difficult for us to say the truth and accept our wrongdoings? Why do we have to be morally uptight all the time? Is there an end to this absurdity of hypocrisy and pretence?
Indulgence in mindless, casual sex left me confused. My life became chaotic. Only when I hit rock bottom, I awakened. I withdrew into a shell, I didn’t want to be in touch with people. Because other people are hell. The irony of life is there’s no heaven without hell. We need people. We need suffering to feel joy when it arrives, we need hell to cherish paradise.
I have reached a stage where I know what I seek. I have realized that sex isn’t a casual sport for me. I am monogamish (more on this in another post). I want love and companionship. I seek a sense of belonging. I want someone who feels like home – a home where we exist as two individuals, not as a ‘relationship’, and we come together to create a harmonious life. Where we are aware of our flaws and embrace those imperfections.
I want someone to come back to after a tiring day and share a cup of chai and smoke. I want someone to watch a movie with my head on his shoulder. I want someone for who I can do little things that bring a smile to his face. I want someone who would laugh on my stupid and dirty jokes. I want someone to argue and fight with and then apologize for acting crazy. I seek someone who would be willing to grow with me, not against me. It isn’t going to be easy but I want to put that work into a relationship. I am done with instant gratification. It’s useless and doesn’t add value to my life in any way. In fact, it leaves me emptier and lonelier.
Hence, I have decided to give myself and the other ample time to reach that stage when I can trust the other person with my physical and emotional intimacy. And only when I find someone worthy of me and my trust, I will open myself to him. Rather than surrendering to the whims of the other, I am going to choose my own hell.